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So I'm back. Not sure how I feel about this yet. When I stepped into BWI, and recognized the decor and the pictures, felt the Baltimore-ness of my fellow travelers, my first thought was just, "I've outgrown this."
My family annoys me. I feel as if I live like an adult at school. I make my own choices, responsibly, and then I come back here and fall into different patterns, different ways of acting, and being treated. I wish my brother would grow up and stop acting like a stupid teenager, because he's my age, and he needs to act like an adult. And my mom and I are just totally different, and she keeps saying she knows I'm growing up, and she allows me a lot of rein for independence, but just... never seems happy about it. Any time I spend a lot of time away, or do something grownup or independent, she says she's happy, and then acts clingy and sad.
For a long time now, I don't know how to talk to my mom. The things she wants to talk about and "help" me with in my life just annoy me. She was worried about Karen and I maybe waking Mommom up if we come in late while she's down there, or about how much drawer and closet space we'll have. I suppose I'll have to deal with those things, but they're really not worth thinking about in advance. When I tell her I'm worried about meeting people down there, or seeing my friends over the summer, she just says, "I'm sure you'll be fine," and changes the subject.
She keeps trying to drag me into her fight with my uncle, and she's never given up on making my dad sound as bad as she can... and no matter how many times I tell her I don't care, it's her issue, and please don't involve me, she keeps telling me things, and won't be satisfied until I join her side. "Yes, he's a terrible person. Are you happy now?"
I just don't like dealing with any of it. I'm ready to be living on my own, I'm ready to be an adult, and it grates more every time I come home that I don't want to be living at home anymore. I want my own house/apartment, I want to live with the people I've chosen, not the ones I happened to grow up with, I want my own pets and books and style and city... god, can I stop being a kid? Or rather, can I stop oscillating between a kid and an adult?
*******
I came home late last night, and slept in this morning, and was woken by the phone, a few minutes after eleven. Mom wanted to know if we could have lunch together. So we did. Then I called a half dozen people, all of whom were busy or not answering their phones. So I went home, ordered some books from the library, and played on the internet.
I got to see my puppies, but I didn't really think until now that I won't get to see them either, this summer. They can't exactly come visit me. And my brother drives so badly I can't believe he hasn't been in an accident yet, and a bad one. I had to yell at him on the way home from the airport to put at least one hand on the wheel and look at the road, or I was calling someone to pick me up from the side of the road. He took steroids the other day, just to see what would happen. I really don't want to deal with this stuff.
I go to see my gynecologist tomorrow, and then down to the beach with Mommom, to try to get a job. This means I should look up numbers for references tonight, and print out copies of my resume. Then I'm back for one precious week, to see everyone.
The problem is, most breaks, I run into the problem that we all just live too far away from each other. And if forty minutes is too long a drive for people to see their friends, then three hours is just... I might as well be in Minnesota, still.
I'm going to try to come back once every two weeks or so, but one of the major selling points of this summer was to make some money, which I can't do if I'm blowing it all on gas money/bus fare. I really need people to meet me halfway, and most breaks... I don't feel like they do. I suppose I'll have the beach on my side, and people like the beach, right?
*sigh* I'm just getting really apprehensive about not seeing people. I already miss my college friends, and how they're right there when I need them, and I miss Tom so much it hurts, and I miss living on my own and walking places, instead of driving. Having no classes is really not a fair trade-off. What the hell am I going to do in the real world? I don't even want to think about that.
So. This is home.
My family annoys me. I feel as if I live like an adult at school. I make my own choices, responsibly, and then I come back here and fall into different patterns, different ways of acting, and being treated. I wish my brother would grow up and stop acting like a stupid teenager, because he's my age, and he needs to act like an adult. And my mom and I are just totally different, and she keeps saying she knows I'm growing up, and she allows me a lot of rein for independence, but just... never seems happy about it. Any time I spend a lot of time away, or do something grownup or independent, she says she's happy, and then acts clingy and sad.
For a long time now, I don't know how to talk to my mom. The things she wants to talk about and "help" me with in my life just annoy me. She was worried about Karen and I maybe waking Mommom up if we come in late while she's down there, or about how much drawer and closet space we'll have. I suppose I'll have to deal with those things, but they're really not worth thinking about in advance. When I tell her I'm worried about meeting people down there, or seeing my friends over the summer, she just says, "I'm sure you'll be fine," and changes the subject.
She keeps trying to drag me into her fight with my uncle, and she's never given up on making my dad sound as bad as she can... and no matter how many times I tell her I don't care, it's her issue, and please don't involve me, she keeps telling me things, and won't be satisfied until I join her side. "Yes, he's a terrible person. Are you happy now?"
I just don't like dealing with any of it. I'm ready to be living on my own, I'm ready to be an adult, and it grates more every time I come home that I don't want to be living at home anymore. I want my own house/apartment, I want to live with the people I've chosen, not the ones I happened to grow up with, I want my own pets and books and style and city... god, can I stop being a kid? Or rather, can I stop oscillating between a kid and an adult?
*******
I came home late last night, and slept in this morning, and was woken by the phone, a few minutes after eleven. Mom wanted to know if we could have lunch together. So we did. Then I called a half dozen people, all of whom were busy or not answering their phones. So I went home, ordered some books from the library, and played on the internet.
I got to see my puppies, but I didn't really think until now that I won't get to see them either, this summer. They can't exactly come visit me. And my brother drives so badly I can't believe he hasn't been in an accident yet, and a bad one. I had to yell at him on the way home from the airport to put at least one hand on the wheel and look at the road, or I was calling someone to pick me up from the side of the road. He took steroids the other day, just to see what would happen. I really don't want to deal with this stuff.
I go to see my gynecologist tomorrow, and then down to the beach with Mommom, to try to get a job. This means I should look up numbers for references tonight, and print out copies of my resume. Then I'm back for one precious week, to see everyone.
The problem is, most breaks, I run into the problem that we all just live too far away from each other. And if forty minutes is too long a drive for people to see their friends, then three hours is just... I might as well be in Minnesota, still.
I'm going to try to come back once every two weeks or so, but one of the major selling points of this summer was to make some money, which I can't do if I'm blowing it all on gas money/bus fare. I really need people to meet me halfway, and most breaks... I don't feel like they do. I suppose I'll have the beach on my side, and people like the beach, right?
*sigh* I'm just getting really apprehensive about not seeing people. I already miss my college friends, and how they're right there when I need them, and I miss Tom so much it hurts, and I miss living on my own and walking places, instead of driving. Having no classes is really not a fair trade-off. What the hell am I going to do in the real world? I don't even want to think about that.
So. This is home.
