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I think there's actually something wrong with me. I used to like who I was. I used to consider myself interesting, inspired, I used to be able to write, and talk to people.
I've cried every single day I've been home. I went to bed before midnight last night, woke up at 9:30, took a shower and ate breakfast, and then went back to sleep from noon until 3. I've sat in bed for the last four hours, and read 50 pages. I don't know where the rest of the time went. I didn't leave my bed except to eat an apple at one point. None of this is unusual since I've been home.
My truck is getting 12 miles to the gallon. I've spent $150 on gas this week alone. At this point, I'm going to have to get a high end waitressing job if I want to do more than break even this summer. So much for waiting for a job I like. Not that I've heard from either of the places I want anyway.
I don't know how to change things. I know what I want, and I can't have any of it for the next three months. I can't live at my friends' houses, because they all have lives of their own, and I don't fit there anymore. I wish I were the same person I was in high school, because I liked that person, a lot, and she fit in with all the people I like. The person I've become is uncreative, unoriginal, uninspiring and uninspired. She can't carry a conversation or go more than a few hours without crying. She has no purpose, no energy, and she doesn't care about anything except the terrible fact that she doesn't care anymore. I hate this person. I wish I could go back to who I used to be, but I just don't know how to get there.
And I've tried. I've tried calling people, and it's okay while I'm with them, better than any other time, the only time I feel almost normal again, but I feel like I'm terrible company, and then we part ways, and nothing's any better. I've tried getting a job, but it's just not happening, and I've tried to look for jobs I like, but no one hires seasonal help for meaningful positions. I've been through the papers and on the internet, and everything I'd like is either volunteer, or 15 hours a week, which just isn't enough, or I'm not qualified, or it's a permanent position.
I was going to volunteer at the horse rescue farm down the road, but they only do volunteer training once a month, and I missed it by a few days, so it's weeks until I can start anything there. I found an astronomer's group in my county, but of course the first night they're actually doing something, it's cloudy and drizzling here. My farm isn't open yet, so I can't go pick fruit, and to be honest, they're expensive, and I'm unemployed right now, and besides, that's an activity for an hour or so, so it wouldn't be much help in entertaining me.
I said before that I felt like I was going into hibernation for the summer, just shutting down. I wish I really were. I wish I could go to sleep tonight and wake up at school, with friends where it doesn't cost $15 to go from my house to theirs, with a boyfriend I love, with classes and a job I give a damn about. I wish money didn't matter, and transporters existed. I wish I was happy again. I wish I felt excited about anything, and I wish the Universe would give me a break, not that I've done anything to deserve it lately. But I'm used to the Universe smiling at me, and it'd be nice for old time's sake.
I've cried every single day I've been home. I went to bed before midnight last night, woke up at 9:30, took a shower and ate breakfast, and then went back to sleep from noon until 3. I've sat in bed for the last four hours, and read 50 pages. I don't know where the rest of the time went. I didn't leave my bed except to eat an apple at one point. None of this is unusual since I've been home.
My truck is getting 12 miles to the gallon. I've spent $150 on gas this week alone. At this point, I'm going to have to get a high end waitressing job if I want to do more than break even this summer. So much for waiting for a job I like. Not that I've heard from either of the places I want anyway.
I don't know how to change things. I know what I want, and I can't have any of it for the next three months. I can't live at my friends' houses, because they all have lives of their own, and I don't fit there anymore. I wish I were the same person I was in high school, because I liked that person, a lot, and she fit in with all the people I like. The person I've become is uncreative, unoriginal, uninspiring and uninspired. She can't carry a conversation or go more than a few hours without crying. She has no purpose, no energy, and she doesn't care about anything except the terrible fact that she doesn't care anymore. I hate this person. I wish I could go back to who I used to be, but I just don't know how to get there.
And I've tried. I've tried calling people, and it's okay while I'm with them, better than any other time, the only time I feel almost normal again, but I feel like I'm terrible company, and then we part ways, and nothing's any better. I've tried getting a job, but it's just not happening, and I've tried to look for jobs I like, but no one hires seasonal help for meaningful positions. I've been through the papers and on the internet, and everything I'd like is either volunteer, or 15 hours a week, which just isn't enough, or I'm not qualified, or it's a permanent position.
I was going to volunteer at the horse rescue farm down the road, but they only do volunteer training once a month, and I missed it by a few days, so it's weeks until I can start anything there. I found an astronomer's group in my county, but of course the first night they're actually doing something, it's cloudy and drizzling here. My farm isn't open yet, so I can't go pick fruit, and to be honest, they're expensive, and I'm unemployed right now, and besides, that's an activity for an hour or so, so it wouldn't be much help in entertaining me.
I said before that I felt like I was going into hibernation for the summer, just shutting down. I wish I really were. I wish I could go to sleep tonight and wake up at school, with friends where it doesn't cost $15 to go from my house to theirs, with a boyfriend I love, with classes and a job I give a damn about. I wish money didn't matter, and transporters existed. I wish I was happy again. I wish I felt excited about anything, and I wish the Universe would give me a break, not that I've done anything to deserve it lately. But I'm used to the Universe smiling at me, and it'd be nice for old time's sake.
